Arlock writes (personal). An outlet for Glossolalia

STAR WARS (prequel trilogy) recap


The Phantom Menace: Monk-Diplomats go to resolve a trade dispute, and end up triggering a full-blown war. Picking up the most irritating character ever to appear in Hollywood, they rescue a princess from capitalism, are happily complicit in slavery, take a woman’s child away from her, and prove that democracy doesn’t work. Along the way they use laser swords to break hundreds of easily replaceable robot killers rather than jam the signal directing them. Then in a fit of rage, the Jedi kills the only person who may understand what is going on. They do NOT solve the trade dispute.

Attack of the Clones: While most of the movie is spent talking about a bad thing that may happen, the worst thing to happen is a love story apparently scripted by an autistic 9-year-old who has heard that girls and boys like each other when they grow up. There is also an army cloned from the nastiest bounty hunter in the known universe, who are used to blow up  hundreds of easily replaceable robots. Also, a pointless bad guy who is easily repelled by a bouncing muppet. The “too old to be trained” padawan spends most of his time stalking a woman 20 years his senior.

The Force Awakens: The all-powerful, all-knowing, Monk-Diplomats are nearly all killed by their bodyguards. (With the exception of the little green one, because he is too short to shoot in the head). The man who has orchestrated the deaths of millions makes that final irrevocable step into evil by using his hands as a Taser (the lesson here is that murder, corruption, betrayal, and being a political conservative are bad, but using electricity is the True Evil). Then the surviving Monk-Diplomat fights the apprentice he apparently didn’t train all that well, and mercifully leaves him on fire on the side of a volcano to have his limbs burnt off and fall into PTSD and pain-fueled madness. Obi apparently then goes off into the desert to plot an intricate revenge where he gets his former pupils son to finish the murder he couldn’t go through with himself.

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